i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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