My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
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You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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