Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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