i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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