my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize