I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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