My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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