I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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