Texts From Last Night

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  (917): View more from New York City

  Um, that's called prostitution

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money

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  (917): Um, that's called prostitution (773): Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money http://tfl.nu/jjue
  Replies (4) Good night (2600) Bad night (435)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.

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  (425): There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason. http://tfl.nu/skwm
  Replies (48) Good night (547) Bad night (3327) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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  (267): he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana. http://tfl.nu/oxo3
  Replies (9) Good night (4682) Bad night (933)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

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  (504): Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high. http://tfl.nu/srpn
  Replies (11) Good night (4759) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house

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  (410): I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house http://tfl.nu/84we
  Replies (5) Good night (1651) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?

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  (402): Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this? http://tfl.nu/pyyb
  Replies (6) Good night (1529) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (772): View more from Florida

  I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.

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  (772): I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do. http://tfl.nu/7vxu
  Replies (23) Good night (2666) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.

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  (248): I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right. http://tfl.nu/unzg
  Replies (10) Good night (1454) Bad night (604)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"

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  (860): You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES" http://tfl.nu/55vp
  Replies (7) Good night (1643) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.

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  (843): woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed. http://tfl.nu/bkzs
  Replies (8) Good night (940) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.

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  (812): I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can. http://tfl.nu/gz33
  Replies (24) Good night (610) Bad night (1497) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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  (778): the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic http://tfl.nu/wmnz
  Replies (5) Good night (1093) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.

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  (708): First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night. http://tfl.nu/xjsn
  Replies (3) Good night (929) Bad night (317) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text

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  (404): also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text http://tfl.nu/b0kp
  Replies (3) Good night (271) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work

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  (412): the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work http://tfl.nu/2wj1
  Replies (11) Good night (1106) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt

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