I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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