I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
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she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
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Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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