Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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