Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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