Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
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As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Please don't give away my fajitas
I forget how to act sober
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