I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
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Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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