He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
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I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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