Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
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There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How does one acquire holy water?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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