Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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