we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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