You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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