he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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