final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
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Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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