Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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