So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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