Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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