He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
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What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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