theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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