Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
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Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
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MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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