Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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