I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
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You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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