Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
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Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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