i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
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Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
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Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
FUCK WHALES
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