All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize