Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize