I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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