there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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