remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
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We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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