what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
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For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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