hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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