thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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