I feel great
I just peed on a car
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize