I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
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I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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