Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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