My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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