So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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