You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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