Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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