Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
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At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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