when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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