I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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